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All you gotta do is TRY ...

I know firsthand how it feels to have your life spiral out of control.  At times, it doesn’t matter how much you are trying because the current of your life just keeps pulling you down.  It’s exhausting, everything feels overwhelming and you have NO idea what your next step is because you have been subjected to so much that makes you doubt, well everything.  You grasp on to the things you thought you knew, only to realize that you were not making any sort of positive progress at all.

its wildly frustrating to realize that you are stuck.  It’s harder to realize that your efforts to be unstuck may actually be the things that are keeping you cemented in the circumstances that you find so amazingly difficult.

Desperatiion of change sees me always longing for the universe to just throw me a bone.  I get tired of always being subjected to a trial by fire.  It’s conditioned me to expect the struggle and there is never an ease in that.

 I thought if I kept to myself, my life would not leak all over the imagery of the way I actually wanted things.  Not the case.  I still struggle, I still cry and  I also seem to be at the bus station while everyone is getting on a cruise ship.

 I have been subjected to hurt.  I am a walking wounded person, but I am not so broken that I am willing to give up trying.  Diamond Dallas Page, has taught me a great deal most importantly, we all fall down, but it will always be our responsibility to get back up.  It doesn’t mean that it is going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it.  

In my experience, when you have no idea what you are doing or what way is up, pick something, even if it is small and TRY.  You are worth having things going your way, but that doesn’t mean that life is not going to make you strong, steadfast or stubborn first.

TRY - To Realign Yourself- with effort, hope, possibilities because you want them not because someone else expects them!

live your day, in your way,

Crystal

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Cough Cough...

Life right now is prioritizing things that make me feel crappier than I already do.  What started out as just a case of sniffles and a headache had turned into a full blown illness.  The little one and I are sick AGAIN.  As much as I hate being sick it does lend itself to thinking and resting.  The later that I have a hard time doing the best of days.

 I have made little bones about what I desire to change my circumstance.  To have a wide sweeping positive change.  The question is how do I even start such change?  I mean I have extensive experience with screwing things up.  I don’t know what I am doing right in any given second of the day.  I try to be a good person and I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t leave me a target for people that I choose to see the best in, then I get bit.  It means I am afraid to be fully open, it makes me wary at times.  I think going to Georgia was life changing for me.  I met so many people there, but I left there feeling of valve which, for me, has not always been the case.

 I don’t know how to do many things, but I still try.  Going to Georgia cemented for me that I was apart of something really good.  And for a girl that hasn’t really known the good side all that much, it means so much to me.  I am learning to be ok with being me, and figure out MY place in the world.  

I have spent the better part of my life stressed beyond measure.  I don’t know my worth because I was raised being told I was worthless.  It is not an easy thing to change core behaviours and reliancies.  You ask me how I fight, when it’s all I’ve ever really known.

 I internalize a great deal of chaos.  I am learning that perhaps my superpower is carrying on despite all the things that have cracked me open.

 I have to find a way to be ok with perhaps never having any of my dreams coming true and that maybe good people don’t always reap the good side of the stick.  I struggle with my health, financial stress makes me cry and my deepest desire is to have a home all my own, a place where I feel I belong and I am home.  I am believing that my dreams ARE attainable because in a world where anything is possible, I AM POSSIBLE.  

Crystal 

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March ...

Not how I really wanted to spend the beginning of a whole new month, sick and in bed.  Normally, I would seriously stress about not doing what I had set out to do, but I am letting the self directed guilt trip go.

Giving myself an anxiety attack is not going to change the fact that 1.  I am sick and 2. Beating myself up over it is not going to do me ANY good.

 I am trying to rest as much as possible and being a degree more gentle.  I have realized that taking the BEST care of yourself is more than about food and exercise, it is also about how you are talking to yourself and what you surround yourself in.

If self care was simply about food, I’d be good.  I struggle with my internal voice, if I am honest.  I have a very vocal, negative inner voice.  Reminents of a very difficult childhood.  

I press on. Things don’t always go the way we plan but you are still tasked with playing the cards you are dealt.

 Crystal 

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Hello again everybody. My son is still working on his doctoral thesis, and we really appreciated the initial response. Unfortunately, late this afternoon, his advisor hit him with a curve ball. His sample group (the people who took his survey) is predominantly White, and his advisor says he needs to get more Black Christians to take the survey (by Black, his Advisor means "African American or not.") This was unexpected, and Eric needs about 300 Black Christians or African American Christians to take his survey. By Christian, his Advisor means any Christian denomination. The survey is otherwise anonymous and takes about 15 minutes.

Please feel free to share this with anyone you know who is a Black Christian or African American Christian, or share this on Social Media or whatever. This is a time-critical situation for Eric. Eric Greatly appreciates your participation and thanks you for your help.

If you have already taken this survey, please do not take it again. That would only make the data analysis more complicated.

Here is his introductory text:

How religious / spiritual are you? Various measures of religiosity and spirituality have been proposed over the years and more are being developed today. However, no current measures exist to assess the intersections of race and religiosity. Participate in a study to develop a new measure to explore these interrelations. Participants must be above the age of 18. Participants will be offered entry into a raffle for one of two $50.00 USD Amazon.com gift cards.

If you would like to participate in the following study, please follow the URL below:
https://morgansbm.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_cSD5LBTZ6l6JBw9

Thank you for your time
Eric Boorman
Principal Investigator
Erboo1@morgan.edu

(This study has been approved by the Institutional Review Board of Morgan State University on or about 1/9/2018, [IRB Approval number 17/12-0181]

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Soulful Sunday...

I spent some quality time with my gran today.  It is always a double edged sword for me because we have been told her days are numbered.   It is a crippling sadness for me.  To force yourself to be clear and to feel things that you don’t want to, it zaps so much of my reserves of strength and energy.

Of course, I don’t want to deal with everything that is in my emotional plate right now, but I have too.  Ignoring this or sticking my head in the sand is not an effective way to cope with everything that is happening here.  I don’t know how to be ok with a situation that I never want to happen.

I am the salmon fighting to swim upstream.  I know I am in for some really hard days, that have nothing to do with my challenges, they are just another thing to deal with.

Life is rainy right now and they feel overwhelming and gloomy.  I just need to believe in the ability of the sun to shine again no matter of how things feel right now.

 Crystal 

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I wish I knew now back then

Do you ever feel like that?  I have been thinking about all the things that I have done or screwed up, blindly trust or push myself to the wayside so someone else can have the benefit of the doubt or the spotlight.

One of my biggest lessons in the last couple of years is those that say theyll never hurt you usually do.

Those in your life that are always around for the good, but never around when things are trying are NOT your friends as much as they are a drain.  The trick is always learning the distinction, in my opinion.

Luckily for me, I have been around enough crappy people that I know a good person when I see it.  At times, I question my deserving to be a small part of something so amazing and I know that is fear and my struggling with my own self worth.

It has taken me a LONG TIME to not settle for anything that is crappy.  Life is too short for crappy situations, constantly crappy behaviours, food, friends, circumstances, movies, relationships etc., you get the point.  You are worth things going your way, you are worth that amazing job, lottery win, paycheque WHATEVER.  

Playing small for for whatever reason is not getting us anywhere, except stuck in a big of mud.  You are NOT your shitty decisions, relationships or increasing debt.  You are deserving of your dream life.  

In the words of Snoop Dogg, anything that makes you feel crappy DROP IT LIKE ITS HOT!  And if you find you need to sit on the sidelines to catch your breath, I will sit with you  ;). That’s what tried and true friends do!

 I know all too well what it is like to be feeling chained to every possible sinking ship and I am here to prove to you that not everyone is the same!

 I believe in you!!!

 Crystal 

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Soulful Sunday - I Wish, I Dream ...

There is certainly a degree of resignation that comes with me.  I think it’s from YEARS of being thrown into some sort of chaos or fight.  I laugh when people say that I couldn’t possibly understand because I seemingly have things so charmed.  In my eyes, my life is ANYTHING but charmed.  I have had a trial filled life.  That usually consists of trading one set of shitty circumstances for another.  I have walked a very hard path in life, but my hope for betterment across the board is always present.

 I am one of those people that KNOWS my purpose in life is more than struggle, cry, pay bills and die.  Which for the record, I think is a thought process that keeps one STUCK in a string of circumstances that you want to run and hide from.  I get it.

I wish and I dream all the time, but rarely does it do me any good.  I ask for something for my highest and greatest good only to be met with frustration, tears and disappointment.  I can’t tell you that it’s ever been easy to be me.  Anything good that has happened to me is always met with yet another crushing blow.

It’s not like me to stay forever down, although I do hibernate in the ruins of my life quite often.  Life has NOT been the blessed, hope filled existence I used to pray for at all, but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in the possibility because after all this time, I do.  Yes, surrounded by swirling circumstances all the time, trying to convince others that you are just worth a chance and the effort is my personal Ground hog day.  And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t fallen down more than I have EVER felt secure.  2019 really is a year that I KNOW is going to have its moments of overwhelming feelings of sadness and resignation.  

For me it’s perfectly expected that I am going to fall flat on my face, I am going to cry and question everything, but you can bet your sweet ass I AM going to get up when I figure out what is up again.  Until then, I wish and I dream ...

Crystal xoxo 

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Happy Friday Everyone...

Happy Friday everyone!!!

It is a crazy, super windy night here. To prove it is cold and miserable, and been a long day, we are all in bed! I feel worn out.  Any kind of stress exhausts me anymore and leaves me feeling depleted.

Mindful breathing has taken front and centre for me again.  Dallas has reminded me to breathe in times of immense stress and pain.  This is where I find myself again, stressed out, scared, worried.  I can’t say it happens one at a time, it’s all at once.

Life has turned up my stress factor and as much as I do not cope with it well.  I find myself reverting back to Dallas’ words often!  He is such a god send to me, honestly.  He actively teaches me to be a better me and to keep on trying... and for that I am always grateful.

I am not the most talented person, I am NOT in tip top shape anymore but I have always tried to be good and CARE.

We are a TEAM here for which I am really blessed and grateful to be a part of.

TEAM- together, everyone achieves more!

Off to chase my garage can down the street ;)

love,

Crystal

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Pause for a thought...

I sadly didn’t sleep again last night.  Which puts me into some  chronically exhausted multitasking fool category I am sure :)

 I have been thinking a lot about possibility and circumstances.  I have been thinking about everything that I am and everything I am not.  It really opens up a whole thought process for me.

 I truly am not a lot of things that I wish I was.  A home owner, financially free, healthy, not so emotional, not so stubborn.  I could go on and on.

 I am not as important as I wish I was, a key part of something that I feel I am a big contributor too.  I never got to go to University or New Zealand.  I don’t want a lot in my life, but a sense of stability is HUGELY important to me.  I want to be able to buy a home, my dogs and learning to live without the gut wrenching stress I feel all the time.

Health is a huge factor for me.  I don’t want to have to hold on to the walls when I walk down my hallway.  I don’t want to be afraid to go into my basement for fear of falling down the stairs and not being able to get up.

 I hate a part of my life, most certainly.  I struggle with being me in the circumstances I constantly find myself in.  I am aware that things can’t stay bad forever, but don’t think the universe hasn’t glossed me over more times than I care to admit.

There is a deep seeded fear of being me at times.  Always wondering, if I am enough!  A chronic fear of just screwing up so badly.  I used to think that I had to surround myself with people, but only recently am I learning that not everyone cares or has your best interest at heart.  Just another lesson in me being hurt!

 I WANT my miracles to happen.  And not at the expense of anything or anyone.

Off to make a cup of tea and get some work done.

 Crystal 

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Who turned off the heat?

Good lord, it’s a touch chilly outside here and now seemingly everywhere is getting hit with an arctic blast.

Usually when things are beyond cold, things come to a grinding halt.  I find it really hard to co exist with the extreme cold.  When the temperature hits -40 to -50 it isn’t very motivating to get out of bed that’s for sure.

 I am officially done Dallas’ new book and it was really good, I enjoyed it and it will most certainly earn a re-read at some point.  I think it’s one of the books that you always read and never put away.  

Tomorrow is a a milestone birthday for my little one so I will have a house full this weekend, all the while trying not to freeze.

Off to set fire to everything I own in order to keep warm ;)

Crystal

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Soulful Sunday...

In my life, I have had to learn to swim in a sea of murky, muddy water.  I am not going to deny my past for it lays the foundation for my future.

My boss and friend, Diamond Dallas Page has taught me a great deal about giving in to my circumstances.  The story I have been telling myself for YEARS is something that is under great scrutiny now!

You ARE NOT someone’s opinion, seeming well placed intention or worst yet, living up to someone else’s expectation.

You have not done anything to DESERVE being mistreated, made to cry, thrown away or disregarded like a used toy.  Feelings I know all too well, sadly.

As I age, I realize that perhaps I have cared too much.  Life would have been a degree different if I just didn’t care so much.  But, it is much easier said then done.  I am an emotional sponge at the best of times.  I internalize a great deal, not all of which I believe I deserve too.

I used to jump on so many swords for so many people and all it got me was lying face down in my own tears wondering what the hell I did so wrong, AGAIN.

I am gun-shy anymore.  It’s a wide encompassing boa constrictor that squeezes my life.  All the while, trying to maintain being a good person, who is worthy of more than the shit cards that haunt me more often than not.

I’d like to say I don’t care, but that is my tell.  I can’t not care.  It goes against my nature, unless I am seriously pushed to not caring anymore.

I guess it is about being self aware, discerning and cleaning up my own yard, because I can’t expect anyone to do what is best for me.  Help me perhaps. I have learned that everyone most certainly has the ability to drop you or make you feel less than.  The trick is to surround yourself with people who don’t.  Ever!

Happy Royal Rumble/flu recovery day.

Crystal 

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Soulful Sunday ...

 I seem to commit to my falling a lot of the time because I never really know how my good is going to find me. I believe in my heart that I am worth more than shades of brilliance. I want to feel healthy, celebrated, abundant, rooted and happy.

All the looking back the last couple of years has brought a lot into focus. Perfect? Nope. Interesting and a pain in the ass, most certainly. Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean that you don’t deal with it! It’s just now I am gaining a better sense of self and what I am willing to put up with. Standing, for perhaps the first time on ground that I feel safe, blessed and grateful for. Yes, I would like a home of my own, a sense of financial security, my dogs and a family trip away would be lovely. I just keep pressing towards my goals. Eventually, I am praying that they are realized, because I am strong enough to dream it.
I am done resigning my fate for some half assed, part time circumstance.
I know what I HAVE to do in my daily life, I wish it was more but, I have to be ok with me, not you. Your power is yours and it is not meant to be given away in some resignation of hope.

I deserve joy, love, friendship, luck and positive experience. I deserve to treat myself with respect even when others don’t.

I have learned that the art of gratitude means being grateful for not only the good, but the not so good too. You don’t grow when things are all going exceptionally well, but when things are trying, uncomfortable and at times, tear inducing. 2019 is my lemonade Year. I’ve taken all my lumps and tears. Scrapes, bruises and lemons. I have gone through the filing cabinet of my life and had to purge everything that was costing me more energy than I was able or willing to give. And you know what, it’s ok.

I am ok. Not everyone who has hurt you sets the marker for everyone else who wouldn’t dream of doing it!

2019 is my year of self worth, dreams coming true and tying all my brokenness back with my own worthiness string, not yours. I am always going to know now that we are all worth more than the shitty treatment we have all settled for. Step up or step away, just don’t block the flow of traffic for anyone else!

Enjoy your Sunday, may the sun shine brightly through all your windows.

Crystal xo

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Only If ...

I find myself in a bit of a weird space.  I find myself reminiscing about moments that have long since past, but have left their mark on my life.

I don’t honestly think I am a bad person, but I have made some questionable calls in my past.  I guess we all have in reality.  I think making mistakes is part of our evolution as a human.  We guide our children in a way that we hope that they don’t repeat our mistakes.

As my Grans days are slowly coming to an end.  I am trying to find a degree of peace around the whole situation and I think that I am failing horribly.  I don’t know how to say goodbye to someone that has been a staple in my life, when no one else wanted me.  I don’t know how to say a graceful, strong goodbye without completely falling apart and just crying.

I don’t know how to do this!  Let alone guide my children as best I can in these uncharted circumstances.  I feel like my entire existence is please hold me while I fall apart.

Things have a funny way of being prioritized when one is beyond stressed emotionally.

I do know that I am charged with, this too shall pass, but again I am just living a set of circumstances and it isn’t going to be easy!

It is hard when you are tasked with the prospect of a forever goodbye.  I can’t imagine not being able to pick up a telephone or just going for a visit.  The clock ticks louder and the only comfort is, at least I won’t carry this weight on my own.

Being a grown up is hard, I just want to have a long time out, a juice box and a nap ;)

Crystal

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Soulful Sunday ....

And, like that Christmas and New Years is over.  Welcome to the fall back into routine days.  Today has been a run around day, trying to get ready and organized for the week ahead and another schedule change.  My days of sleeping in and crazy hours are all coming to an end.

Now, we are prepping for a birthday, and me stressing how I am going to get an Apple Watch 4 and still be able to meet all my responsibilities.  We all want her to be able to have this because of its ECG ability.  God help me ;)

This is also coming from the kid that would almost sell her soul for 21 Pilots tickets lol.  I find that as the kids age, dream fullfilment is becoming much more difficult and I long for the days when they were much younger.

Good news is nothing stays the same, not even our perceived struggles.

This holiday was low key for me.  I honestly didn’t want to really get caught up in the fuss of it all.  Christmas is a disappointment for me.  I just try to grace the kids with a good Christmas and pray it ends faster than it came.  I am not a Scrooge, but I am not much of a Christmas fan because it all seems overwhelming, struggle filled and too much for me.

 In any event, it is over for another year so I have a reprieve for a bit.  I am shockingly aware of how much things have changed in every aspect.  My desire to have a great great deal of money fall into my life is still pressing.  Perhaps this will be my year.  2019 I am praying has more blessings than not.  I pray for positive strides made with my health.  That all of us excel more than we endlessly struggle.  I believe in my heart that this is truly possible for us.  I would like to be surrounded by great people, for which I believe I am, but I am realigning my life with NO drama and NO more having those that take more than they give.  I have all but upped my price on my price tag.  Which is not a bad thing in my books.  Operation:  Priority vs. Options is in full swing xo

crystal

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Happy New Year ...

Today, marks a whole new year and my setup day for workouts, scheduled changes, diet changes etc.  The chances of me winning a million dollars is not so certain, but with effort and persistence, I can feel like a million bucks :)

I hope everyone had a safe New Year.  I realize that as much as the slate has been wiped clean, there is a great deal that I am going to have to deal with in this New Year.  Good news is that I don’t have to tackle it all at once.

Tomorrow will be a two workout day to get caught up and it will be a WAD (workout a day).  Dietary changes, schedule changes and even an attitude change is all in order.

2019 is not doubt going to be a polar opposite year for me.  Coming to terms with spending as much time as possible with my Gran within this year, sees me putting everything non essential into a, can this be done later file.

My health has been an emotional slide ... and not in a good way.  I have no idea what I am going to be able to tackle when I get out of bed in the morning.

Stress has been a factor and thankfully the stress that is Christmas is over.  Now it is time to make some solid plans and changes and get back to my regularly scheduled life.  ;)

crystalxo 

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Soulful Sunday...

Christmas is over and honestly I am not upset about it.  I am never too sad to see it go to be honest.  All thoughts shift now, towards New Years and what I hope to manifest in a whole new year.  The task does seem a bit daunting at the onset, but Dallas always tells me to ‘breathe’ so, I am trying to make that a more conscious effort on my part.  I don’t want this year to be as frantic and stressful as this year has been.  I don’t want to cry and feel like I am on a sinking ship anymore.  I want to experience my personal other side of the coin if that makes sense.  I guess this is where I actively attempt to change my own inner dialogue and voice.  I’ve not always been the nicest person to myself.  I always thought if I was nice to everyone and everything outside of myself that eventually something HAD to positively happen for me, which hasn’t been the case.  I treated myself lower on the priority pole and lower than the family dog, and we don’t have a dog.

 I really have struggled with looking at people’s life and wishing I could be as lucky and fortuitous.  Rarely do any of us see the day in and day out struggles because none of us are attracted to tarnished silver as much as we are mesmerized by polished silver.  It feels more appreciated and treasured. I learned a long time ago that my personal value was never in being me because I never felt safe enough to be completely ME.  Abused people reserve a great deal of themselves back out of fear.  The remote possibility of being at all hurt, in any way is too much of a cross to bear.

The last couple of years for me, has been complex.  It doesn’t mean that good things haven’t happened because they have, but there is a fear and a suspicion of pure, uninterrupted happiness.  Always waiting for a karmic shoe to drop. I don’t know how to be more than what I am.  I don’t know how to shift my circumstances completely, to be there and far away from here. My highs in life are great but few and far between.  My lows are crushing and all too frequent. I don’t know how to convince the universe that I am worthy of the dreams that float around in my head. I don’t know much, but I know that LOVE is an answer to many of life’s struggles.  I need not be so afraid to be me.  I need to personally realize that I am worth more than the crap I have given myself or permitted in my life.

2019 - is a year that I am coining a “self growth” year.  I no longer have a fear of looking over my shoulder which means that I have to learn to look positively forward! I have a feeling 2019 is going to be a great year.  It doesn’t mean that it won’t be a bit difficult at times, but those moments need to be treated with grace not dread.

There is always room on my train if you want to join me.

love,

crystal

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Self sabotage ...

I think it’s immensely telling the things that we resign ourselves to.  Perhaps it’s even more telling considering the holiday we all just went through.  Christmas is an easy time to resign quite easily to the excess of it all.  Do you find that?  With sweets at every turn, poor food choices, alcohol and temptation at every turn.  

I guess it really is no wonder why we beat ourselves up over all our perceived slip ups.  Your allowed to enjoy the holiday.  You are however, not free from your choices, autopilot or not!

Consequence has a funny way of finding you, despite whatever intention you want to relay.  I wish ease and good fortune were a boomerang that frequently visited here.  They seemingly are not but it’s a good thing I am not allergic to elbow grease, I just get fed up.

Resigning to the negative in anything is easier, at least that has been my experience.  Believing in the positive way has not always been easy when everything seems so clouded in hardship or chaos.

My life has not always been hard, but it has always exacted a price and required effort.  I am the try then have to try again, again and again girl.  It is quite easy to get frustrated and fed up.  The good news worth remembering is this, good things happen to good people who are struggling with hope all the time.  Which secretly makes me smile in quiet moments.

One thing that has not completely diminished entirely is H O P E.  I know life has a funny way of turning all around, although that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy.  Rarely anything worth having, comes easily.

So when things seem like they are completely going south remember, your blink of an eye may be right around the corner.

No one said the sun was always going to shine, sometimes you’re going to have to put up with some rain.  All the strongest flowers are doing it!

Shine on my dear, you got this and are worth the Sunshine and butterflies.

 Crystal xoxo 

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Soulful Sunday ...

To me, everything seems off centre right now.  And the Christmas craziness starts here tomorrow.  I have literally NO idea how I am going to get through all of this, let alone with a convincing smile on my face.  Christmas is essentially a time to be happy, spend time with loved ones and feel that great sense of gratitude.  I always feel like the Griswold family at some point during Christmas.My health has seen me in bed a lot just wishing for everything to not be so hard.  I feel like I am in part, always experiencing a car crash.  

This Christmas is not going to be emotionally easy for me.  But, then again very little ever is.

 I guess I am at the point of not feeling the need to explain myself so much to anyone anymore.  I essentially still apologize for everything, but I don’t explain away my reasonings anymore.

Selfcare is becoming a necessary component and saying No to anything depleting.  I just would like a Fabfitfun box subscription, some financial and health stability and for all the people I know to have a magical, fun Christmas, even if mine might be a touch difficult.

 Crystal 

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Soulful Sunday

I have, for the most part, structured Sunday’s as a reflective day.  It is not something that has happened overnight mind you.  It has been a persistent battle to not allow outside circumstances to rattle any degree of inner calm. i guess I realized somewhere along the line that fighting everything is pointless.  It is hard to grasp anything new when your hand is clenched in a fist.

 I realize in my degree of pain today, that NO ONE is coming to save me.  I need to actively be the heroine of my own story.

It is not to say it isn’t wildly frustrating because it is.  I don’t know why my life has always been so very difficult, but I do know that the common factor is ME!

 I have had a shift of sorts I guess.  I have done the barrel roll of shit circumstances.  Yes, I am aware that things could always be worse, but I know things could always be better too.  Having hope is something I used to really struggle with, because nothing EVER seemed to change.  Abuse, lack, struggle, cancer and now MS.

Everyone says to me, but you’re so strong.  I’ve really had no other choice. Sink or swim.  I am allergic to just slipping away without leaving some positive mark or have things positively turn out well.

I know that a lot of things rub me the wrong way.  Perhaps, my persistence to endure is what always keeps one foot stuck.

 I have hated a lot of my circumstances.  I didn’t always want to have to fight every step of the way.  I prayed that something would come easily.  Not much has to be honest.

 I always have this internal argument, does being hopeful about anything make me naive?  Always makes me over analyze.

I know that I don’t want to hurt anymore.  Better yet, I don’t want to resign myself to the hurt anymore.  Being optimistic is a challenge for me because circumstances have taught me otherwise.  But, it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t TRY.  You gotta show up in order to rise up!

so I rest for a bit longer than I hit play!

 Crystal 

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Soulful Sunday

Chances are I am the girl that crap has happened too.  It is hard to change some circumstances around to change your life, when so much of your life has to change.  Somewhere down along the line, I convinced myself that I had to care about everything.  It’s got me in quite the boat let me tell you.

 I can’t sit here and say that I have a charmed life. It’s not!  Usually everything comes at the expense of something else.  And I am usually left in tears or holding some bag of circumstance that simply sucks.

 I can’t say I have ever wanted to die as much as I just wanted to not hurt anymore.  Yet I always find myself within some faucet of shitty hurt.  Perhaps this is why I love hugs because when coming from some people, you feel squeezed back together.

 I routinely cry about something.  My heavy soul leaks out of my eyes.  It’s tiring being me, and it does nothing for my ever weary soul.

My past has been filled with people who have left a negative mark, dropped me like I don’t matter and exacted a vital pound of flesh.  Not a tried and true way to the best self platform.

It feels like I have had to live an endless barrage of pollution.  Surely the reason why Apple makes iPods and earbuds because holding the world back from my mind is an everyday thing.

id be lying if I said I didn’t want to escape a great deal of my life, but we never get to choose the cards we are dealt, only how we play them.

The universe has gifted me with stubbornness and a fighters spirit, in a body that is slowly being taken away.

Today I take the time to cry and realize that many of my dreams won’t come true.  The tears rolling down my face in part, a realization that no amount of fighting is going to change my boat.

And for me, that is wildly frustrating.

Going to take some alone time before a workout and putting up the ruddy Christmas tree.

 Crystal 

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